what a tragic mess you fools have made of this

it's interesting how one tiny little string of events can change you. or maybe change isnt the right word. because i haven't changed. i am exactly the same person i was before. the only things that have changed are the emotions that lay on the surface. in a few months, i won't even think of him. i barely do now, even though its only been a few weeks. i go days without thinking of him, yet he managed to flip my way of thinking. he turned me from content to brooding, but he himself made no impact on my life.

let me stop being cryptic. i was perfectly content in my single-dom. boys are neat, yes, but who can be bothered with them, really. i had my yoga, i had my cats, and i had my college degree. i had best friends all over the country, i had my ambitions. i was busy. i was content. i felt no use for a relationship. it felt good, to know that i was fine without romance. i went through the "must have boyfriend" stage when i was in 8th grade. it's not a fun feeling, that need to be in love. and then i was in relationship #1. and then right into relationship #2. and all i knew how to be was kristiinarelationship. i forgot how to be kristi. and i re-learned. through deep depression and almost-alcoholism and obsessive facebook stalking and a few failed daters and hook-ups, i learned how to be single kristi. and then, all of a sudden, i wasn't tolerating being single. i enjoyed it. i wanted to keep it. 

and then zack came along. zack. i wish you could hear how acidicly i say his name. he came along, with his drugs and his girlfriend and his depression and his need for a mommy, and i fell hard. i like to help people. i like to be needed. it's nice to be the giver, since i'm so damn good at taking. i freaked out at how hard i fell, because i knew it wouldn't end well. all the justification and tarot cards in the world couldn't really convince me that it would work out, although i let them try. so i "dumped" him, as much as you can dump someone you never really had. and he's gone. out of my life, for the most part. and i'm over him. there wasn't much to get over. there was no love. 

but he left me with glimpses of relationship. "hi, how are you" texts, and phone calls because "i wanted to hear your voice," and "i can't wait to see you"s, and lunch-break lunch dates. he left me with romantic kisses and passionate more-than-kisses and butterflies in my tummy. and it was enough to remind me of why i'm a "relationship girl." 

and now i am not so content with being single. not at all. and it's put me in this odd, bored, depressed funk. and what helps not at all is my recent obsession with all things twilight. and with twilight fandom comes all sorts of gooey, perfect romance, which was dangled in front of my face and cruelly snatched away, and now i'm like an addict, rocking away my cravings in a corner of the room.

i feel like i'm 14 again, longing for my first kiss.

edward cullen, be mine.