i looked into the eyes of the one person in the world who means the most to me, who's shared everything with me, who knows me better than i could ever hope to know myself.....i looked into the eyes of the person that means more to me than the WORLD, and told him that i couldn't love him.
i've never been one to be able to read emotion from someone's eyes. but when i looked into his bloodshot, teary, blue eyes, i saw the world fall apart. it was devastating. to see him fall apart like that, to see him lose all hope in the world, and to know that i caused that look on his face...
it's going to haunt me.
i always feel like the taker. i'm always the crazy one, i'm always the one that needs to be nurtured, to be taken care of. the boy gives to me, and i take. i realize that, and i have wanted so badly to be able to GIVE something to a guy, for a guy to want to be with me because i make him a better person, not just because he can keep me from feeling suicidal. i think that's why i was so attracted to zack. he made me feel like i could HELP him. but i never thought i could do it. i'm too needy. i have nothing to give, i have nothing to offer a guy except company and an erratic and immature sense of humor.
but then, to find out, that the very boy that saved my life, who brought me up from the very bottom of my depression, who listened to me cry for hours every single night of our senior year of high school....to find out that the boy that gave so much to me, had gotten just as much FROM me....
it's unthinkable. i knew he had loved me. i knew he STILL loved me. but i didn't realize that i offered him anything. i didn't realize that i had a positive impact of his life, that without me, his life wouldn't be as good.
"kristi, you are the most kind, the most decent, the most beautiful person i have ever known. i've always envied your kindness, your love. you have strengths i do not, a certain wisdom and common sense i don't possess. i feel like i need that compassion, that strength in my life right now."
to think that the boy that gave me more than i can ever express, was affected by me as well? the boy that i loved for 4 years....the boy that i lost my virginity to, the boy who shared the homecoming royalty stage with me...the other half of the most infamous couple at Seton. that boy that saved my life....did i save his, as well?
and if that's so...if he saved me, and i saved him...if he loved me, and i loved him...if we were each other's first love, first...everything. if we were each other's world for SO LONG (and really, four years is a long time when you're a kid). if we still are best friends, if he still is my confidant, my most trusted friend, my most EVERYTHING, and he loves me....
THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?????????
what am i missing? i yearn for love so badly. i want to benefit someone's life. i want to be good for someone. i want a smart guy, a humble guy, a caring guy, a sensitive guy.
hold on, let me get my "perfect man" checklist...
check. check. check.
i have my perfect man. and he still wants me, with a love much more mature than the one we started with.
but it's not enough for me, anymore.
and how do i deal with that?
"even in the worst of my depression, there was something i was sure of. despite feeling completely lost, i knew one thing; i love you."
No comments:
Post a Comment